Vanished

I vanished for most of this summer. You may or may not have noticed because summer is a great time to disappear. Unfortunately, I wasn’t traipsing around the world or living at the beach. Instead I was vigilantly watching my first born in a hospital room —fearing for her life. I was also hazily putting one foot in front of another trying to keep my business running as smoothly as possible —alternating with holing up in my bedroom facing deep dark demons triggered by yet another personal crisis. It was about mid August when I had the exhausting realization that every single summer for the past few years has been a real test of faith. Each one ramping up the volume of the prior. I suppose, since I am here writing this today and not shattered into a million pieces on the floor, I should feel victorious. But truly, I mostly just feel tired.

In case you don’t know me, I’m comprised of an extremely sensitive nature and walk through each day with my emotions leading the way. And as difficult as this can be, I’m still determined not to change. I don’t want to harden or become a shell of the person that I have been. But, this summer, in order to do so, I compromised other things. The relationships with most of the people in my life stalled at a stand still. Which in turn, increased the screaming voice inside of my head that spoon feeds me guilt. I mean, how selfish is it to lie in a fetal position crying for what seemed like months? I’m a mother, dammit. A business owner. A person who values her close relationships. But I wasn’t successful at any of those things. I was only successful at filling the bathtub with tears and not drowning in them. I constantly questioned the “whys” of everything in my life. And faced each of the “ugliest” bits of me head on. My deepest rooted fears, jealousy, trust issues, my parenting skills and last but not least —my self worth.

It is only when I (somewhat) got a handle on things that I felt I could share. Not the details because they’re of an extremely personal nature —but the vulnerability. The pain. Because I’m not alone. I know this. Maybe you can relate. Maybe your summer held some of the same. But this life thing, we’ve got this. Even when we think we don’t. These challenges inspire growth.

Onward.

Yet again.

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